To Canon Inc.: Size doesn’t matter

Leading psychoanalysts agree that engineers at Canon Inc.'s Consumer Imaging Division in Japan are trying to compensate for their small cocks by developing increasingly larger CMOS sensors.

Man I’m so tired. I really am getting too old for this job. Still haven’t gotten enough rest after the Canon expo that was recently held at the Javits Center, New York. On display there was the huge 202x205mm CMOS sensor made by Canon Inc., apparently the world’s largest at the moment. Of course not too long ago Canon Inc. also mentioned how they have managed to develop a 120MP 1.3x CMOS sensor. Yep, they keep getting bigger and bigger at Canon Inc.

I stood there in front of the display looking at the sensor and kept hearing a voice inside my head yelling “Look at us, our cocks are huge!!” Because I think that’s the message Canon Inc. is trying to communicate to the world with these products. I think I finally have an answer to the question of why Canon Inc. engineers seem to be so obsessed with megapixels and bigger sensors. I think the Japanese are trying to compensate for something here. And I think you and I both know what that is. Yeah that’s right, their small wangs. It’s the only explanation, and really, you don’t have to be Dr. Freud to make the connection either. I remember standing there in front of the display at the show before the doors opened on the first day, looking at the sensor and suddenly getting this really big smile on my face when I made the connection. I thought it was brilliant, the way I put 2 and 2 together here, you have to agree with me. I suppose the fact that I had puffed the magic dragon in my office a few minutes earlier also contributed to this great moment of insight. But now the mystery has finally been solved.

I think the message we have to send back to Canon Inc., and lord knows I’ve been trying for years now, is that size doesn’t matter. Ya hear that, you stupid Japanese bastards? Size doesn’t matter; it’s how you use it. I’m willing to bet my left nut that the 12MP Nikon sensor in the D3s can deliver better looking images than the Canon 120MP 1.3x CMOS sensor at all ISO values. In fact, in addition, I’m willing to also bet my right nut that Canon’s 120MP sensor produces garbage above ISO 400. And I think you realize that I wouldn’t be betting both my nuts if I wasn’t very sure of myself. At my age I don’t have much use for them anymore but I assure you, I value them none the less. But leaving my nuts out of this for a moment, I think Canon Inc. really needs to hire a team of world-class psychoanalysts to sort that shit out over there because it’s fucking ruining the company.

While competitors are out there releasing real actual products that will soon be in the hands of consumers, Canon Inc. is sending out press releases mentioning how their cocks got bigger. It’s either that or they take an old product, add some ‘features’ to it that nobody needs and re-launch it like it’s the second coming of Christ. Yeah I’m talking about the EOS 7D Studio Version. What the fuck was that? Barcode reading on a professional DSLR? Man, I musta really lost touch with the photography industry not to have noticed the demand there apparently exists for this. I mean, I know about the demand for better and more reliable autofocus systems, bigger viewfinders, fast autofocus in live-view and during movie recording, built-in gps modules, built-in radio triggers for flashes, sensors that produce cleaner images, etc. etc. But a barcode reader… man, who would have thought?

A few days before the launch I got the press release on my desk for the EOS 7D SV and at first I thought it was a joke. I walked over to Sparer and asked him if he was fucking with me. He assured me he wasn’t and that he had nothing to do with it and that it was likely real. I just couldn’t believe it. Did Canon Inc. expect me to keep a straight face while briefing the press about this in a few days? So I stormed over to Adachi’s office and opened the door without bothering to knock first. I held  up the press release in my left hand and I went “Please tell me this is a joke?”

Adachi didn’t bother to look away from his computer and up at me, a clear indication he knew exactly what the fuck I was talking about. “Not now Westfall. Just go with it…”

“Sir you don’t honestly expect me to…”

“JUST GO WITH IT!!” Adachi yelled. “Please close door behind you.”

So I had no choice. Well ok, it depends. If going back to my office to pick up one of the prototype 600mm f/4L IS II lenses and use it to beat the living shit out of upper management was a choice, then yes, I had a choice. But I quickly decided that going with the EOS 7D SV press release would be a lot easier than tossing salads in prison later that day.

The thing that was really stupid in the press release is the way Canon Inc. tried to turn the stupid barcode reading functionality to something so much bigger than it actually is. You really have to appreciate the spin they put on it:

LAKE SUCCESS, N.Y., August 17, 2010 – For wedding and portrait photographers, one of the most enjoyable parts of a project is the actual photographic element with the laborious work starting when the time comes to organize files, edit and ultimately provide the finished product. To help make this process less cumbersome, Canon U.S.A. Inc., a leader in digital imaging, today announced the launch of a new EOS 7D Studio Version DSLR Camera, ideal for professional school and event photographers which features four levels of “locking” camera controls for studio environments. In addition to the “locking” feature on the new EOS 7D Studio Version, the Company is also introducing a Canon Barcode Solution, which links customer data directly with the image file so that it can be maintained throughout the entire workflow process, ideal for school photographers, forensic and medical photo workflows.

The future of wedding photography, according to Canon Inc. Please imagine a wedding photographer walking around at a wedding like this.

For wedding and portrait photographers? Really? Are there wedding and portrait photographers out there who actually need a fucking barcode scanner on their DSLR? To scan what, exactly? I’m having a hard time imagining a wedding photographer walking around at a wedding with a barcode scanner attached to his 7D, scanning guests as he walks around. Am I the only one who read this press release and thought that it was the most stupid thing I ever read? Because the press seems to have largely accepted and reported the bullshit being fed to them by Canon Inc. worldwide. Have our IQ’s all dropped to below 70 or something? Are we all suffering from severe brain damage? What the fuck is happening, people? With this kind of reporting it’s no wonder that Canon Inc. thinks we’re all stupid. Similarly nobody questioned Maeda when he claimed they couldn’t put a better autofocus system in the 5D Mark II because of the small body. And similarly, nobody questioned Maeda when he claimed Canon Inc. digital camera sales were better than expected while clearly there was enough data showing that Canon Inc. was losing market share fast, not only in Japan but also globally. I’m honestly beginning to fear that if Canon Inc. re-launches the 5D Mark II tomorrow and claims that it can now also cure cancer, the press will just report it without asking questions. This shit is starting to get really bad now.

If Canon Inc. was really concerned about wedding and portrait photographers being able to organize their files faster and easier, like they claim in their fucking press release, then they would have updated the 7D firmware with functionality that allowed custom filenames. Or since the 7D comes with a built-in mic, they could have added functionality to attach audio notes to pictures. Oh wait, those are 1D features huh? Yeah, better let the wedding and portrait photographers we care so much about fork over an additional $4000 for those features by having them get a 1D Mark IV instead. If Canon Inc. really cared, they’d have added functionality to edit the EXIF data for a picture or a group of pictures on the back of the camera and to automatically populate the EXIF data with user defined content at the time the picture is taken. But none of that folks, apparently a barcode reader makes more sense in this case. Because as you all know, all guests arrive at a wedding wearing barcodes. Ultimately though, if Canon Inc. really cared about wedding photographers, they’d release a 5D camera that was at least as good as the Nikon D700 in all aspects.

Look, I get it. The competition, Nikon, Sony, Pentax, etc. were out there releasing cool new products and Canon Inc. didn’t want to feel left out. So they had to announce something, anything really, to show that they still matter in this industry. But displays of compensation for tiny cocks and stupid marketing spin are not the way to do it. I honestly feel ashamed to be working at Canon USA after that press release.

Just a few weeks ago I mentioned how even the Chinese were now innovating faster than Canon Inc. with their radio flash triggers that cost significantly less than the Canon ST-E2 Ass-Rape. A few days ago the Lord of the Speedlights pointed out to me that the Chinese have even made their own version of the ST-E2, the “John-Snow” (don’t ask) ST-E2, that actually contains more features while still costing significantly less. This, again, just goes to show you how Canon Inc. is taking us all up the ass without even bothering to use any kind of lube. Go check out the post on Strobist and read the comments to see how “good” the Canon ST-E2 Ass-Rape actually is. Of course, I already mentioned most of the issues in my previous post a few weeks ago. This is the kind of feedback I’ve been sending back to Canon Inc. for a couple of years already, without Canon Inc. doing anything about it. Though cheaper, I still wouldn’t recommend the “John-Snow” ST-E2, you’re better off getting the Cactus set I discussed in a previous post. Those are much cheaper and a lot more practical and reliable. It’s incredible what the Chinese are capable of these days. Things are really going to get interesting when the “John-Snow” 1D Mark IV hits the Chinese market at half the price of the Canon EOS 1D Mark IV, while even offering a couple of extra features. I think Maeda will likely start World War III by attacking China the next day.

The Lord of the Speedlights (left) and Zack Arias, separated at birth?

But the real question we have to ask ourselves here, is why was the Lord of the Speedlights, who’s a known Nikon user and highly likely to be working for Nikon as well, looking at Canon products on the Internet? And why is he recommending them to people? Could it be that he’s looking to make the switch to Canon? Perhaps the grass does appear to be greener on the Canon side after all? It doesn’t really make sense to me, but something might be up. In any case I think he had to answer at least a few phone calls from Nikon after posting that bit about the Canon ST-E2 on his blog. I wouldn’t be surprised if Michio Kariya himself called to ask him what was going on. Hell, they might even have sent a ninja that night just to make sure that he not only received the message, but also fully understood it. Nikon has a lot at stake here. I’m sure that if they look at the Speedlight sales data at Nikon, there will be a clear relationship between the popularity gain of the Strobist.com website and the increase in Speedlight sales volume as a result.

Finally, for those of you who are looking to make the switch to Nikon these days, please be advised that the friendly, the very beautiful, the verry toit (*), Helen Oster from Adorama Camera is here on the blog ready to help you in any way she can to make the transition. I feel really bad for all of you Canon customers who are having to deal with all of this right now, I really wish there was more I could do for you. To be honest, I feel a little guilty myself, but I am in a tough position right now and I hope you can understand. It’s like this comment someone just left here on the blog:

Whatever, I am wondering why Canon still taking 30% of the camera market with all these shit cameras and lenses. Are people blind or dump? I think Canon should be prosecuted for producing such shit products intentionally to deceive the customers. Fake Chuck Westfall, prepare to take a dive to Nikon anytime.

I feel for all of you and I am deeply ashamed.

(*) yesh yesh, like a toiger.

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UPDATE 9-12-2010:

Hot off of the press: Nikon is now the #1 market leader in the USA, and soon also in Europe:

Japanese media reports that could Nikon’s market share in digital compact cameras in the U.S. successfully build the. Nikon is now slightly ahead of previous No. 1 Canon. Also in Europe will soon be more Nikon compact cameras are sold:

The Japanese newspaper Nikkei Business Daily “draws on research by the market research group GfK SE, who found that Nikon # 1 – Canon – with the compact cameras in the U.S. have overtaken the former: Nikon is a market leader in the U.S. in digital compact cameras . According to Nikon in the fiscal year 2009 are 20.6% with a market share of around 0.8 percentage points ahead of Canon in the United States. Nikon could, therefore, the market share in digital compact cameras in the U.S. significantly (2007: less than 10% increase).

This success is attributed to a successful Nikon advertising strategy and the introduction of US-specific products. The product differentiation in markets Nikon had promoted in advance as a new strategy for more revenue growth. After apparently successful implementation in the U.S. and in Europe Nikon will increase the market share for digital compact cameras, which remains below 10%.

Nikon Germany and it is managed according to our information already to increase the market share for digital compact cameras in the last few months and to nearly double. It should currently be around 8%, are targeted at least 10%.

Of course if you’ve been reading my blog, this doesn’t come to you as a surprise. Just a few weeks ago Maeda was claiming that sales were “better than expected”. And I guess this is the kind of result you’d expect Canon to have with “better than expected” sales. In my opinion, Nikon’s success shouldn’t be attributed to Nikon’s succesful advertising strategy (and many will claim this blog of mine is part of that strategy I’m sure), but it should be attributed to Canon Inc.’s FUCK UPS!! For the last 5 years Canon Inc. has consistently been fucking up in almost all areas in this industry, and Nikon has just been able to take advantage of that. Just look at the most recent product announcements. And I haven’t discussed the 60D here yet, but I can tell you it’ll be DOA. This is what happens when arrogance takes control, when you’re fucking stupid and refuse to listen. Let me take this opportunity to congratulate Canon Inc. on this achievement. TAKE YOUR FUCKING KYOSEI AND GO TO HELL YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.