Dear Santa….

Dear Santa,

You know I don’t write you often, and I’m not one to beg for gifts, but this year I feel that I should make an exception. I know you don’t usually get letters from men in their fifties, and I understand if you may, at least initially, be a bit surprised. But if you’re like me — and I know I am — then you’ll at least continue reading out of sheer curiosity instead of immediately moving on to the next letter.

I’ve been here arguing for over 5 years on my blog that Canon Inc., my employer, should focus more on image quality instead of megapixels. It seems — and you’ll have to excuse my French — the fucking assholes at the marketing department at Canon Inc. just can’t get my message through their heads. And if they can, they apparently lack the brian capacity to process what I’m saying. Honest to God, I’ve given up to try and understand what it is that is blocking their mental capacities, but I’ve come to suspect that they’ve sustained major brain damage due to the chronic sexual repression that currently plagues the Japanese society. At least that’s my leading hypothesis right now. I mean, I don’t know about you and Mrs. Santa and how willing she is to satisfy your needs, but not being able to have sex in a normal and healthy way, as the case is right now in Japan, will drive you fucking crazy.

So being the kind of unselfish and caring person that I am, I would like to ask you if you could deliver some new and working brains for the entire marketing department at Canon Inc. this coming Christmas. And if it’s not too much to ask, also some fucking clues about what professionals actually need and are asking for in this industry, as opposed to the goddamn amateurs who think megapixels is the holy grail of photography. I know those guys over there are really going to appreciate it if you could do this.

Stand back with your puny 1DX, Uncle Bob’s got the moment with his new 41MP watch

I mean, seriously Santa, just recently I almost fell off of my chair here at the office, when a watch was announced with a 41MP camera built in. A fucking watch!! Soon my goddamn microwave oven is going to be capable of taking 41MP+ images of the food I’m heating up that look awful as fuck. If Canon Inc. doesn’t realize now that megapixels don’t matter, but instead the quality of pixels, then they never will. And this is not going to be good for my health Santa, so please consider doing what I ask if you don’t want me to show up at the North Pole to kick your ass.

😥

And on a final note Santa, if you’re on your way to Japan, do you think you could perhaps fly by some countries in the middle east and take down a few of those drones that fucking scumbag Barack Obama is currently flying over there? Innocent families and children are dying there almost every week because they’re being bombed by those drones, and it fucking pains me to see this going on while nobody the fuck says something about it. People have no empathy these days, it would seem. Why is that Santa? Why?

Fuck you Obama. Fuck you very much.

Do you think you could intercept some of those drones and have Rudolph,
Dasher and the other reindeers kick them down or something? Perhaps navigate your sleigh close enough so a well aimed kick to the left or right with their back legs on the wings can break and send them crashing down? Would that be too much to ask, Santa? I think you would do the world a great service if you could do this Santa. And especially the poor children in those countries who have to grow up in fear of being bombed and either die or spend the rest of their lives homeless and disabled. Just look at the video below Santa, and tell me it doesn’t break your heart to see those kids crying and suffering like that?

As you see Santa, I’ve so far mostly asked you to help others, but as for myself, there are some things that I wish for and maybe you can help me as well. I would appreciate it a lot if you could also tell the Japanese to fucking update the old EF 16-35mm f/2.8L II lens this coming year because it is fucking soft and Nikon has had an advantage with the 14-24mm f/2.8 for way too long now. Canon Inc. needs to fucking release a sharp 14-24mm f/2.8L lens soon now because I’m tired of waiting. It should be as good as the latest 24-70mm f/2.8L II in terms of image quality. Please make sure you tell them when you’re there ok? The 35mm f/1.4L II and other lenses can wait. We fucking need a sharp wide angle large aperture zoom.

Merry Christmas.

That’s it Santa, many thanks in advance, and I look forward to having my wishes here fulfilled.

Best regards,

Fake Chuck

PS

Here’s a little something to get you in the Christmas spirit.