The Nikon D800: Less than meets the eye

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Nikon D800 - Less than meets the eye

Nikon D800 - Less than meets the eye

Let me first begin by apologizing to all the people who have switched to the Nikon D700 in the last few years because of my recommendations. Really, honestly, I sincerely apologize. I truly feel bad about this, because you guys are fucked now.

WHAT was Nikon thinking?? Jesus Christ. What kind of an upgrade is this? Is this really supposed to be an upgrade to the D700?? It’s gotta be, because apparently the D700 is now discontinued. Was Nikon even paying attention to what I was writing about on my blog and all the complaints we were getting here at Canon about the megapixels? Did they fucking consult with The Lord of Speedlights about this? Didn’t Nikon get the megapixel memo??

You know, just because you CAN doesn’t always mean that you SHOULD. Nikon had the opportunity to include this 37MP Sony sensor in the D800, and they did, but this is the worst decision they could have taken.

I feel for you Nikon morons who are now going to have to suddenly deal with 37MP files, up from 12MP on the D700. Imagine what that will do to your workflow having to deal with 37MP of bloated files. Processing power, RAM and especially storage are going to take a serious hit. And I’ve seen the files, they’re softer than a baby’s butt. Where the fuck is all the detail??? My God. And the noise, oh god, the noise.

Nikon D800 sample image

Say hello to the melted eyebrow - Nikon D800 sample image 100% crop

Say hello to the melted eyebrow! That is some incredible detail right there, wouldn’t you say? I mean, you can see every individual hair in the eyebrow down to each individual cell in each hair! This is what 37MP is for right? This is absolutely stunning resolution! This image reminds me of the melted hay image on the EOS 7D from a while back. But this is far worse than that. At least we were still able to see some individual strands of hay in the melted heap. This is one big mushy blob of eyebrow hair. Does that even look like hair to you?

Nikon D800 sample

Nikon D800 sample (ISO 100, 100% crop)

Look at the color banding and the noise in the shadows in this ISO 100 (!!!!!) image. Awesome isn’t it? And to think that this is a JPEG with noise reduction applied. How bad was it before that??

Nikon D800 sample

Nikon D800 sample (ISO 320, 100% crop)

Why does this ISO 320 image look like it was shot at ISO 3200?? How bad was this before the noise reduction??

And you’ll be able to get all this stunning 37MP of fine detail at an incredible, blazingly fast, photon freezing 4 FPS in FX mode (6 FPS in DX mode with Battery pack!)!!Really?? 4 FPS?????? 

BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*cough*cough*

BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Down from 8 FPS in FX mode on the D700. Oh. My. God. So if you were used to the 8 FPS on your D700 you’re going to really, seriously, have to slow down now. Not only are you slowing down in the field, but because of the fucking bloated, razor sharp, 37MP files you’re slowing down in post too. Oh God, what happened at Nikon? Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this. FUCK!

I’m laughing my ass off and crying at the same time. Laughing because we’re going to fucking own this piece of shit camera in a few days, but crying because I feel so sorry, oh so sorry for all you Nikon morons and especially those who switched from Canon to the D700. Oh God I’m so sorry.

How do you “upgrade” from the D700 to this?? It’s a fucking downgrade! Does Nikon expect the D700 ($2700) crowd to upgrade to the D4 ($6000)??? HAHAHAHA you Nikon morons are SO fucked. The only upgrades I can think of on the D800 are the new autofocus system and the video capabilities. But with this noisy sensor, don’t expect a lot from the image quality and noise. But hey, you’ll have a headphone jack! So maybe it’s not so bad after all right???

BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Excuse me now while I uncork a bottle of champagne and join the party here in the cafeteria at Canon USA.

Update: Image quality comparison between the D800 and 1DX.

97 thoughts on “The Nikon D800: Less than meets the eye”

  1. This doucher is the biggest moron on the planet and I’m mostly upset that I’ll never get the minute of my life back that I wasted while reading this idiotic rant…. not to mention the 30 seconds I wasted leaving this comment. It didn’t surprise me that I couldn’t find a link to this guy’s own photography, as I’m certain that he must be a master of the craft based on his great deal of photo knowledge.

    Reply ↓

    • Dude wtf? Where’s your photography you frickin wanker? I guess you just came all over your keyboard when you saw the 37MP. Good luck with the soft noisy images!

      Reply ↓

      • Wanker? LMFAO!!!!!! You know who uses the term ‘wanker’? Unemployed D-bags living in their Mom’s basement, that’s who. Typical blogger situation I suppose… Try getting some sun and a big boy computer which can handle a measly 37MP file. In the meantime, keep practicing with your Instagram!

        PS – I like my images softer than fried ice cream, which is why I already pre-ordered my D800.

        I’m the real fake Chuck Westfall bitch!

      • Good luck with your D800. I hope you enjoy the color banding and noise at ISO 100! At 4 FPS I’m sure it’ll take you at least 8 years to reach the 200,000 clicks the shutter is rated at. An incredible deal if you ask me.

    • ’m sure it’ll take you at least 8 years to reach the 200,000 clicks the shutter is rated at. An incredible deal if you ask me.

      LOLOLOL!!! I Love this place 🙂

      Reply ↓

  3. I laugh my shoos off when I recalled your’s “japan took notice” after reading this: dpreview.com/news/2012/02/07/Canon_24-70mm_F2p8_II_24mm_f2p8_IS_28mm_f2p8_IS . Photogs screaming for new 24-70 with IS. Tamron has released 24-70/2.8 with IS and ring usm. And what “can nots” released? Yeh, they “took notice” but forgot where they put it.
    And another piece of that “iceberg” of yours: 28/2.8 IS USM. I guess you consider updating 30 years old 28/2.8 with IS and replacing 28/1.8 USM with it as “world class innovation” too.
    I wonder why you didn’t put IS of those fisheye zoom.
    Canon has no clue what they’re doing at all.
    P.S. The only reason why you’re not writing about this I think is that with all that smoking and drinking you became careless and got caught updating your blog from you working computer and now they forcing you to publish PR BS here.

    Reply ↓

    • Tamron lenses are worthless. Just Google it, they fall apart if you just bring them into sunlight. No self-respecting professional wants to be seen with a Tamron lens in public. Understand that. Now the 24-70mm f/2.8L II is a great lens. It’s so great it doesn’t need IS. The Tamron has IS because the glass elements inside the lens are loose and shaking all the time because of their shitty engineering. So they put in some IS to try to compensate for that. But even the IS mechanism is loose and bangs around inside the lens so it sucks anyway.

      Reply ↓

      • Right, you should really talk about lenses falling apart, while selling 50/1.2 which is hold together by to-sided ducktape: http://club.foto.ru/forum/11/486661 – third photo. (It’s in russian. Use google-translate).
        I agree 24-70II is great. Actually it’s so great that it should stand in glass stand on the very center of canon lens museum, as a monument of canon clueless and moronic management. At the sametime you could shoot with tamron. It’ll do it’s work and you’ll feel no regrets if it broke because it’s cheep and you can replace it at any time with only fraction of canons price.
        No comments about ridicules claims of four stops, i.e. 0.6-0.5 sec IS on wide primes? Not to mention the need of IS on wide lenses for landscapers, who always shoot from tripod.

      • Very short translation of post above:
        Pro photog carried 50/1.2 L to scene and when he opened photo bag to get the lens it was in 3 pieces. He claims he didn’t hit or drop the bag (and no hit mark on lens) and nobody touched it. Lens was intact when he put it in the bag before the incident. When he examined the lens later he discovered that front part is holding by to-sided tape just like chippo 50/1.8 II is.

        So you’re right they fell apart just from sunlight and free air. Well, canon’s L do. 🙂

  4. Now Faky buy you are fucked. Hope 5D Mk III will have also MORE MEGAPIXELS or the same amount of Megapixels as it has now and MUCH BETTER AF and IQ. I think of switching to canon and just put all my glasses and a box near the road with a “free” sign on it…

    By the way you are totally wrong about the D700 to be discontinued.
    Read here: http://www.fotointern.ch/archiv/2012/02/07/nikon-d800-und-d800e-mit-363-megapixel-vollformatsensor/

    Nach der schnellen und hochempfindlichen Profikamera Nikon D4 kommt nun die D800 mit grössenteils ähnlicher Ausstattung und gleichem Funktionsumfang, die sich jedoch durch einen höchst auflösenden Vollformatsensor im Nikon FX-Format bzw. Kleinbildformat auszeichnet. Anders als beim Vorgängermodell D700, das weiterhin im Sortiment bleibt, ist die D800 nicht eine kleinere und etwas langsamere Variante der D3, sondern ein eigenständiges Modell und eine Erweiterung im Nikon-Sortiment.

    I know it is German but it is also time you Americans start to educate (not the world and CERTAINLY NOT SWITZERLAND, but yourself and your country), is it? Sure there is always Google translation…

    Reply ↓

    • Dude take a look at the 3 sample images above, you seriously want that on the 5D3?? Jesus fuck, I think you need to see an optician. Please make an appointment today man, seriously.

      Reply ↓

    • We kicked your asses once. Remeber? How many children were born to Red Army soldiers after WWII? They say the Red Army raped every woman age 8 to 80 in most of germany. Are you guys really going to start getting smart, again?

      Reply ↓

      • I knew you are a retard: I am not German, I am SWISS and proud of it. We have not been part of WWII actually because we were NEUTRAL. So we neither had to suffer under Americans, Russians or Nazis. Lucky, aren’t we?!!

      • Apart of course from all the Nazi gold, which was Jewish that you kept safe for a fat profit.
        The Swiss did very nicely out of the WWII.
        But this has nothing to do with photography.

  5. buy should mean boy… oh boy

    Why the fuck is there no possibility to edit a post as with other NORMAL blogs arrrrghhhhhhhhhh 😉

    Reply ↓

    • Swiss were not nuetral during WW II, they were the arsenal and bankers for the NAZIS. This was talked about at the time for Swiss sensitivity and the West vs East cold war, but it is obvious now and to the participants in the War.

      Reply ↓

  6. @qwerty I can remeber that cannot uhhhhm Canon tested also version with built-in IS but it was tooooooo heavy. At least this time they could not argue that there was not enought space….

    Reply ↓

    • Tamron somehow managed to avoid extra weight in their lens. Of cause it’s have to be seen IQ of it.
      Canon also have changed their trend. It’s not space they worry about now, it’s free surface. They probably couldn’t decide where too put that IS switch to, as with headphone jack on 1D X.

      Reply ↓

  7. Pingback: D800 Nikon .. عودة البطل!!- المصور حسين الدغريري | الهوس الضوئي | hosain photo

  8. The first image sample you showed here, was just 6 MB JPEG for 37 MP of resolution and not the official sample.
    You seem to be a Canon guy with loads of ego.

    I use both (5d Mark 2 & D3x), I dont see aything unusual with D800’s noise.

    Reply ↓

  9. Fake Chuck Westfall jezus you are a winging bastard…. This camera is for studio photography, commercial work…. Seriously you don’t have anything else to do just to cry. Simple rule don’t like it dont buy it. And stop being like a bitch….

    Reply ↓

  12. I certainly don’t want the 21MP 9 point AF 5Dmk2 anymore but I really don’t want a 38 MP 61 AF point 5D3 either. This d800 mails it for me, I won’t be converting to Nikon and its a relief becaus the market is flooded with used canon equipment and I was getting low balled on my equipment. But I can’t find a d700 and I can’t totally swing a d4, so now I wait it out and stay with canon…

    Speaking of which, where the fuck is the canon hooplah? Nikon is partying in the streets and canon is still at home under NDA embargoes with their camera testers. This sucks. This really makes me feel like canon as given up on the still people and is focusing on the video market. There has been nothing about the 1Dx and there was a shoot with it in NYC at a Concert. But nothing!

    Canons silence is frustrating. I hope they are making last minute changes to the AF at F8, illuminated buttons and really getting the ISO noise straightened out. Looks at all the converts. Serious people in the industry jumped ship from canon…

    This silence is frustrating…

    Reply ↓

    • “But I can’t find a d700 and I can’t totally swing a d4, ”
      This is a big issue. I’ve been shooting a D200 since they came out, but want to move up to a full frame camera. I can’t afford a single digit Dx and D700’s by and large are “backordered, no estimate on delivery.”

      The 5D2 is available and affordable…but apparently has issues, right FC? So I don’t know if I want to go that way, so it’s more waiting for some info the 5D2 replacement.

      “This really makes me feel like canon as given up on the still people and is focusing on the video market.”
      Seems like it. They’re whacking off all over this video shit. “Make more better home movies of your kids and pets” Who gives a fuck.

      Reply ↓

  13. Pingback: Nikon D800 Duyuruldu.. - Sayfa 3

  17. Congrats to Canon USA! You fucktards somehow convinced Nikon Inc that video is more important than stills. Now all of us Nikon users have no real upgrade path. These cameras that Nikon came out with HAD, HAD. to have been engineered by an ex-Canon engineer. Wonderful. Thanks Canon.

    Reply ↓

      • keep on peeing Champagne 🙂

        Nikon has confirmed to PDN that it is investigating a problem that can cause the D800 and D4 to lock-up while shooting. The company says that the issue – identified while PDN was reviewing the camera – can be avoided by disabling Highlights and RGB Histogram on the display. At present the lock-ups require the battery to be removed to restart the camera…

        One more thing…. There have been two accounts of D800 exploding… Yes, going BOOM!

  18. Boy, Chuck, you sure managed to get all the rabid Nikon fanboys riled up. You must be so proud of yourself. Congratulations.

    I’ve only seen a couple of images so far, but I will say that on a pixel per pixel basis, the D800 looks a bit soft. Could be the noise reduction, which looks heavy-handed. Not really feeling the whole 36Mp thing, and I’m a sucker for megapixels. I bet I’d be feeling the file size though. Thank God storage is cheap!

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  19. Pingback: Nikon D800 VS Canon EOS 1DX Image Quality | Fake Chuck Westfall

  20. Chuck, all sarcasm aside, this post is very funny! And more than that, you’re bloody right.
    I’m a D700 shooter, I’ve spent lots of my hard-earned cash on nice Nikkor glass, and now I’m fucked. All I wanted was good HD video, better ISO performance, keep 8fps, and dual card slots. Don’t know about anyone else, but I’ll be shagged if I’ve got $6000 dollars to spend on a D4. It’s a complete frigging cock-up.

    Reply ↓

    • I’m in the same boat, Andyj. I just hope my D700 doesn’t flake out anytime soon — it still takes great, sharp images with that nice Nikkor glass. My “upgrade path” is going to be to a used D3s whenever they start hitting Craigslist at reasonable prices (that is, not the $4000+ the go for on ebay) as people move up to the D4.

      Reply ↓

  21. I am a Nikon D3s and D700 user and have used many Canons in my career also. The samples of this new sensor look aweful which I actually expected. Whats disappointing is your abuse to people for being Nikon users, which I find ridiculous and loses you credibility. So therefore are the samples real based on your clear bias to Canon, disappointing.

    Reply ↓

    • Dude, the images I used ARE official images. Didn’t you click on the links?!?! And the one you linked to has issues as well.

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      • It really does have terrible noise reduction on cheeks even on ISO100 :s I couldn’t agree more with You mr Fake Chuck Westfall sir 🙂

  23. The only way to view the sample images is to download them to a computer and then open them in software. If someone is just viewing an image while it’s appearing (before it’s fully ready for download) it does look terrible. But when I view it at 100% in Photoshop (after dowloading it) the image looks fabulous!!

    Reply ↓

    • What do you mean by viewing it at 100%? Viewing the whole image on screen, or zooming to the pixel level?? Because viewing the whole image on screen, I can imagine why you would say it looks good. At the pixel level it looks FUCKING AWFUL. Which is what you see when it is slowly downloading in your browser! And there you yourself agrees it is terrible!

      Reply ↓

  24. Do I detect some jealousy here from Chucks side of view? I mean why else would he be here bashing on a camera that he never has used or taken his own pictures with. Without first hand knowledge I take your opinion and piss over it as it’s completely useless at this point of the game.

    Reply ↓

      • Jesus you are rather rude. Each camera has it’s merits. Sample shots mean nothing, if you didn’t take them. Go into one of these odd new creations called a “Shop” then go and try the god damn thing. I’ve used both the D800 and the 5D MKIII – they are different beasts. Stop winging you immature child. (Oh and stop swearing all the time, it proves how limited a language you have.)

        PS. – EXIF data is easily modified.

      • Oh they’re different beasts alright. The D800 is a fucking piece of shit and the 5D3 is awesome. That’s the difference.

  25. Hi Fake Chuck

    Just wanted to express my dismay at how idiotic some of the respondents to this post are.

    What’s up with all the dorks calling you a “canon fanboy” like that’s some sort of mortal insult? They need to go back to school and learn some proper vocabulary.

    “OMGGGZZZ CANON FANBOY!!!!!!!1111oneoneoneone” – they need to get a life and learn some english.

    Keep up the good work and telling it like it is!

    Reply ↓

    • I know man, it’s like what the fuck has happened to people’s IQ over the years? People are so fucking stupid it worries me now.

      Reply ↓

    • Davy boy, provided your mother tongue is English, you should better start to learn some other languages. America was populated by so many people of different provenience (different countries) but what about other languages than English and Spanish today in the States? I don’t wanna tell you that this looks a bit undereducated in my eyes, but nevertheless it is always good to learn languages and you Americans can’t expect that everyone on the world understands you, not your language in first place and also not your attitude…

      Reply ↓

      • Being a pixel peeper makes one 1000X more qualified to comment about camera performance.

        I’d trust the technical opinion and eyes of a measurebating pixel peeper over some random photographer any day of the week

  28. Pingback: The Nikon D800 is fucked | Fake Chuck Westfall

  30. It’s pretty stupid to compare the D800 to the 1DX, that’s like comparing the 5DMK2 with the D4! Can’t believe how crazy some folks can get when they get burned! Lol.

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  31. Lol. So much fan boys fking baited here.

    As for the banding, it could be the jpeg engine of the camera. I’d say wait for the Raw. Jpeg spec by design was vulnerable to this kind of stuff in the first place.

    Also, Canon hasn’t made a camera over 12 stops of DR. That’s the part Nikon has been raping Canon with.

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  32. What kind of dumb ass compares the D800 @ 4.88 microns. To 1Dx @ 6.95 microns. The D800 is not a low light shooter. Now lets compare the 1dx with the D4 @ 7.3 microns and see whos the winner!!! Both canon & nikon are great camera makers so grow up & get a life!!!

    Reply ↓

  33. I think I’ll wait until professional testing is done before I pass judgement. FYI, where do you read that the image posted above has had noise reduction applied?

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  34. You chose the sections of the images which were out of the depth of field on the coastline shot. That’s pretty lame, why didn’t you choose the parts which were purposely put into focus? I don’t know where you found the fuzzy eyebrow shot but I couldn’t find it in Nikon’s sample images. While this camera is distinctly different in the Nikon lineup, that’s no reason to pan it. It’s a different camera, much different than the D700, but the D700 didn’t become obsolete all of the sudden. The rule of photography is “it’s the photographer, not the camera”. We’ll just have to wait and see what comes out of the D800(e) when it arrives, until then, you shouldn’t be so goddamn obnoxious.

    Reply ↓

  35. Pingback: Shut Down Notice 3-Year Anniversary! | Fake Chuck Westfall

  36. As a Nikonian, I pre-ordered the D800, and I think that it will be a great camera! People like fake chuck and whine and bitch and make idiotic comparisons all they want… but at the end of the day, I think both systems (Nikon and Canon) even out.

    Nikon has quick Mirror Up accessibility (which Canon does not).
    Canon has a print button (which Nikon does not).

    Reply ↓

    • Bullshit! You can easily program the center button on the dial wheel of the 1DsMkIII. This way you press this button and the mirror flips up immediately… And I don’t care about a fucking printing button….

      Reply ↓

    • A Nikon D800 is delivered in a smal box, and to get iven close to the 39mp image quality and Not Misplaced dynamic Range (its stil there but in the wrong place 🙂 you also need it to have live view,, and a tripod firmly atatched to it on a permanent basis .. according to this guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brtPi9oVJ4Y&feature=related

      and also according to the D800 manual … and that concludes what i found myself a few weeks back ,, D800 = STUDIO CAMERA ..PERIOD..
      5d3 just works no mather where you are and what you are doing .. exsept it might be outperformed in studio while on a pod mirror lockup ,, and so on,,
      however the D800 beeats it on price and ,, the D800 is the one and only first DSLR that actualy can be used as a hand grenade .. LOL!

      Reply ↓

  37. Any image is going to look shit if you shoot it with a crappy lens in crappy light conditions, no?
    The sensor is only half the story.

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  41. Fake Chuck you are hilarious. The Tamron rattling glass requiring image stabilisation did me in. I am on anti-depressants but after reading all your comments I think I am cured. I am sure that some people reading your comments believe you are serious and that makes it even funnier.

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  44. Your site is too funny for words. Fell about with laughter when I read it. Trouble is, it’s all true. I tried a D800 the other day at a Nikon demo and Lightroom can’t cope with the files. I sit for 30 mins while the screen chugs and freezes then refuses to export them because of lack of memory. Might have to switch back to Canon. (Will, in fact). Today I hear that D800s are locking up. Hmm.

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  45. Canon 5D Mark III got a light leak problem, Canon stops shipping cameras out to customers until they fix this problem first.

    Reply ↓

  46. Pingback: 5D Mark III, D800, D4 – DXOMark Sucks Balls | Fake Chuck Westfall

  48. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck omg I’m such a kool kid because I can swear wow I’m so stauch fuckity fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck.

    Reply ↓

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