Canon EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM Lens Sample Image and Stuff

Anelisa, oh Anelisa…

I wrote a few weeks ago about a new book on lighting titled “Direction & Quality of Light” by Van Niekerk and I told you all to order it if you know what’s good for you. I’d be a total fucking hypocrite if I didn’t go ahead and order one for myself after telling you to do so. So here’s proof that I did get my own copy. Because it’s fucking good. And not only that, but I ordered my SIGNED copy directly from the vampire slayer himself.

Signed baby, signed.

Those of you paying close attention to the pictures will notice how I strategically placed the book between some of our test gear lying here in my office. I figured Van Niekerk would really appreciate his book surrounded by top quality state of the art Canon gear after everything he had to say about our poor quality control (of which incidentally he’s right). And you have to admit, the Canon logo does look cool next to his signature.

The pictures were shot using the Canon EF 24-70mm f/2.8L II USM Lens. A lot of morons write to me every week about this lens not having IS, despite the fact that this lens is so sharp it could crack your monitor viewing images at 100% as we discussed on this blog before. Just take a look at the 100% crop below.

100% crop, click to enlarge

There’s more to image quality than just IS. So you retards complaining to me had better recognize and stop spamming my goddamn inbox and wasting my bandwidth and hard drive space.

And in case you were wondering, as far as I know, Van Niekerk has no clue who ordered this book and who he signed it for. But I’ll tell you this though, all the pictures of gorgeous women I’m seeing in the book are indeed making me do certain things in new ways, if you know what I mean.

In other news, I’ve been playing for a while now with some of our upcoming bodies. Been having mixed feelings about a lot of things going on here right now. For one, I can’t seem to convince Tokyo about the fucking megapixels they keep stuffing on the new sensors. Then there’s the marketing teams who come up with all kinds of retarded feature sets for new bodies. Who the fuck uses a goddamn 9 point AF system these days? Honestly? Nikon just released the D7100 with a frikkin’ 51 point AF system at $1200! Only 15 cross type points and not very sensitive, admittedly, but at least people have more options compared to our ancient 9 point system, which even made it into the $2000 6D and totally fucked it up. Apparently Tokyo is of the opinion that everyone using a 6D composes pictures with the subject right in the fucking center of the frame every time. People write in asking me which camera to choose and I always recommend the D600 instead of our own 6D. Because that’s how I am and that’s how you guys know me; I’m honest. I hate to bullshit people.

But more on that in another post. I need to spend some time now with a preproduction model of the new 7D.

The 5D Mark III proves itself; The D800 sucks balls

Piece of Shit

I don’t usually do this, but this comment by Phil Banno is so true it fucking made my day:

I have a 5D mark 3 and my business partner has a D800. It started as a personal preference but the L series canon lenses blast the nikons out the water, so much so my business partner is selling his virtually new D800 to buy a 5D mark 3 (& he’s a Nikon fan). A lot of you rant about high ISO usage but in a church where you aren’t allowed to use flash, the 5D on 5000 ISO with a 70-200mm f2.8 ISM L series 2  has no equal in the D800 arsenal. And the confetti shots with 6fps also beat the D800. Real camera, used by a professionally qualified, 24 year experienced photographer (not you geeky Mega Pixel Amateurs). The Canon is like a pure racing car, designed for power to weight performance with outstanding handling, breaking and aerodynamics against the Nikon, an American muscle car that can go fast in a straight line then end up in a hedge at the first bend or blow up after a short distance. Too much power (Mega Pixels) and no where near as good lenses (tyres and breaks). REAL WORLD, 5D MK3 is the professionals choice, D800 the Amateaur look at me with my massive over kill mega pixel never to be used above a 20″x16″ canvas choice! 5D super fit professional athlete, D800 steroid muscle freek with a small penis and long term health problems. Canon purposely created a perfected version of its 5D range. Nikon went down the gimmick route. Bullshit for bull shitters so it’s simple. If you’re a true pro buy the canon. If you’re a wanna be amateur by the Nikon but be aware, us true professionals will laugh at you for choosing poorly. You either have it or you don’t. And I photograph her majesty the queen to name drop but one of my clients so beat that!!!

Yeah, read it and weep Nikon fanboys. And FYI the D800 autofocus fuckup saga is still ongoing. The D800 truly is the Nikon 1D Mark III.

I’ll be back soon with more updates. Yes, yes, I know, I have been really slacking here but man, things are just so hectic here at Canon USA. I’m sure you’ve noticed all the products we’re launching every month. I have loads of technical documents concerning the new products to wade through right now just so I can keep my Canon Guru title in the future. Not to mention play with….errr….i mean, test, the new products.

Many have been sending me emails and leaving comments asking when I’ll update again to talk about the piece of shit EOS 6D and the Nikon D600 and all the other stuff. Some even get hostile on me like the guy below.

Request 4 Update

Rest assured that I’ll be back very soon with some very in-dept analysis of all recent developments.

Quick Update

A Nikon D800 explodes in a major US city

I heard about exploding Nikon D800s before but I never knew it was as bad as this report by CNN’s Anderson Cooper shows it to be. Seems like Nikon is doing good business in the middle east these days. Not only that, but according to our Swedisch correspondent Kai Reinertsen, the FAA has put the Nikon D800 on the list of prohibited items to take on board airplanes. Needless to say, shit are happen at Nikon.

I took a break from posting on the blog after the last post in order to calm down, rest and put my mind on other things for a while. Those cocksmokers at DxO Labs really got to me. I know for a fact that if I didn’t take some time out I’d probably not be alive today. I started taking meditation classes shortly after that last post to help me calm down, and I must say it has really helped me. Swami Rajesh Ramchandrati really knows his stuff. I met the swami at a bar in New York shortly after publishing my last post, and he convinced me to start taking meditation classes the next day. He’s quite an interesting fellow too. When he told me about his earlier life in New Delhi in between shots of vodka, it somehow reminded me of the time I served in ‘Nam. I felt like we had a lot in common.

Swami Rajesh Ramchandrati and me a couple of days ago. The swami was actually floating in mid air right next to me, though you can’t clearly see it in this picture.

Turns out I’ve had a lot of repressed anger and fear inside of me for all these years, which when you think about it makes so much fucking sense. Suddenly I could explain so much of my behaviour in the past. When cocksmokers like DxO Labs show up, all of this repressed anger surfaces and I just can’t control it. So I told the swami about DxO Labs and the D800 and everything that was bothering me that night, and crazily enough, as soon as I mentioned DxO Labs the swami’s whole body started shuddering and he briefly went into some kind of trance. When he snapped out of it a few seconds later, he explained to me that he felt some strong negative energy from DxO Labs. So I was all like “No shit!” Then he put his right hand on my head and closed his eyes and everything around me started moving as if I was looking at the world through some kind of jelly. Then I started seeing funky colors and got dizzy. I’m not sure if this was because of the swami or the fact that I had way too much vodka that night, but I decided that I had enough and that it was time to head home. Only problem was I could barely walk by myself. Fortunately the swami was there with his taxicab and offered me a free ride home.

But I can’t tell you enough how relaxing all this meditation really is. My mind feels so light and clear these days and I’ve even been able to deal with those DxO Labs cocksmokers without losing my sanity. And that’s great because it helped me to focus on the coming product launches in the next few weeks.

Anyway, I should be going now if I don’t want to be late for my meditation session with the swami. I’ll be back.

Happy Birthday to Helen Oster @ Adorama

Today is Helen Oster’s (@HelenOster) birthday and I wanted to dedicate this special post to her. Yesh, yesh, the very shensual, the verri toit… Helen Oster from Adorama.

Adorama's Birthday card to Helen

If you don’t know who Helen Oster is, let me tell you that she’s mainly the reason why I shop at Adorama. If you are a regular reader, you know that I ordered my retail copies of the world’s best DSLR, the 5D Mark III, at Adorama a while ago. And it’s because of the fact that I know Helen is there when I need her and that she’ll do the best she can to help me when I need it. And trust me on this, Helen often goes out of her way to help. Not just me, but customers in general. She has really earned her excellent online reputation as Adorama’s Customer Service Ambassador. Reading that post on Adorama’s blog brought tears to my eyes.

For a few years now Helen has been Adorama’s secret weapon on the Internet. I’ve been following her ever since I started this blog and I’ve referred people to her since 2008 and without any exception she’s always managed to make them happy. Check this post of mine from 2008, where she had just helped out Thomas Hawk to get his 5D Mark II. Or this one, where she joined the conversation to offer her help.

Just recently I relied on her help again, and although I can’t go into details, let me say that she went out of her way to help me in ways that I would never have expected.

I’m very happy to see that Adorama recognizes the enormous value that Helen brings to the company. It really should not be underestimated. It would not surprise me one bit if many of the customers on the Internet shopped at Adorama because of Helen. Hell, I already know customers buy at Adorama because of me. And I don’t come even close to 1% of the dedication Helen puts into this.

Coincidence? I think not...

I may not have as much influence as Helen online, but as you can clearly see in the screenshot above, I do contribute a little to Adorama’s success. (I hope Henry Posner doesn’t see this.)

We live at a time when customer service is one of the most important things a company can use to set itself apart from others. And this goes for many industries today and will only become even more so over time. Hell, in many industries it’s essentially the only thing you have to differentiate yourself. And with Helen, Adorama has a very big advantage in this area.

Helen, thank you for all your help, your time, your patience and your kindness. I wish you a wonderful, happy and memorable birthday. If I could, I would give you a very long, warm hug that would last at least 10 minutes (even longer if it doesn’t make you feel weird). Who knows, maybe some day I’ll be able to. Lots of love from me. ♥

An Interview with Yours Truly

Mitch from Planet 5D got his 5D Mark III before me. I hate him for that.

The 5D Mark III is currently getting into the hands of people around the world, and initial reactions are very positive, as you would expect. This camera is the best Canon has ever released, period. IT FUCKING ROCKS.

Don’t believe me? It’s even better than the Nikon D4. But don’t take my word for it. Check this out:

So, what can be taken away from this test? Well, the 5DIII kicks the daylights out of the D4, no doubt about it. The kickers that make the 5DIII even more superior: it has 6Mp more resolution than the D4 and only costs half as much. Talk about getting bang for your buck!

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Indeed if you’re a Nikonian, you may want to cry. Hell, forget crying just perform seppuku on yourself and skip the misery that lies ahead of you for the coming years. How the mighty have fallen! Canon is kicking so much ass in this industry right now it’s fucking incredible.

Mitch from Planet5D somehow got a retail copy of the 5D Mark III before me. And as the caption on the picture above says, I hate him for that. Because that’s what you do when people get a 5D Mark III before you. You hate the crap out of them! I’ve got mine on pre-order with the good folks at Adorama. Last I heard I’m #1,239,545 in line. I’ve already spoken to the very sensual, the verri toit, Helen Oster from Adorama to get me my stuff fast. Important people like me shouldn’t have to wait this long for a 5D Mark III goddammit.

I have more on the 5D Mark III in an interview I did recently with Aputure, you can read the whole interview here. Here’s some from the interview:

What inspired this blog? You seem to put a lot of time/effort into each post.  

I and many others in this industry got frustrated with Canon more than 3 years ago around the time of the great 1D Mark III debacle. Many ancient civilizations had foretold a time of great upheaval at Canon which would occur in our lifetime during the coming of the new age of Aquarius. And I think that’s what we started experiencing back then. It was a major change in our collective consciousness at Canon. Continue reading…

The previous interview was a while ago with Black Star, for those of you who’re new to the blog and missed it.

That’s it for now, I need to get back to testing my 35mm f/1.4L II.

Introducing the Canon EOS 5D Mark III

Canon EOS 5D Mark III - Nikon and Sony's Worst Nightmare

The time has come for Nikon, Sony, RED and pretty much the entire industry to shit their pants. Yes people, the 5D Mark III is finally out. And boy does it fucking rock!!!! If Jesus Christ were to make his second coming today, this is the camera he’d have around his neck to document his journey.

In previous posts I referred to this camera as the 5DX, because really, I think it deserves that name. Giving it the name “5D Mark III” doesn’t do it justice. That makes it sound like some kind of crappy update to the 5D Mark II, which we all know was shit. This camera is such a big departure from the 5D Mark II on so many levels, that only a 5DX name (X for eXtreme, eXtraordinary) can really do it justice.

I mean for fuck’s sake, just look at the specs:

• 22.3 Megapixel Full Frame CMOS sensor
• DiG!C 5+ Image Processor
• ISO 100-25600 (L:50 H1:51200, H2: 102400)
• Full HD Movie (ISO 100-12800 (H:25600))
• 61-point high-density reticular AF (up to 41 crosstype points)
• 6.0 fps for high continuous shooting
• Intelligent viewfinder with approx. 100% coverage
• 3.2-type, approx.1.04m dot (3:2 wide) Clear View LCD II
• iFCL metering with 63-zone dual-layer sensor
• Shutter durability of 150,000 cycles
• Dual card slots (CF & SD)
• High Dynamic Range (HDR) Mode
• Multiple Exposures
• Improved durability & water and dust resistance

Remember how Maeda fucking claimed that the 5D Mark II was too small to house a better autofocus sensor?????? Well look at it now! FUCKING LOOK AT IT!!!!!! The freaking 61-point AF system from the 1DX in the 5D3!!!!

I mentioned before with the 1DX that Canon Inc. really listened to us this time around, and this shows again with the 5D3. Remember that 5D3 petition I put up last year? Just take a look at how close the features match with what we asked for in the petition!

• 16MP (at least) full frame sensor at least 2 stops noise improvement, no more fucking banding, shadow noise and no black dot horseshit like on the 5D Mark II!
• ISO 50 – 102400. (as good as Nikon D3s or better)
• 45-point AF system from the 1D Mark 4, including Spot-AF like in the 7D. (Nikon D700 has 51-point from the D3)
• 7D/1D4 metering system.
• At least 5 FPS. 8 with battery grip. (like the D700)
• 100% Viewfinder coverage.
• Swivel screen.
• Buffer for 20 RAW shots at least.
• 1/1000 flash sync speed.
• 7D style weather sealing.
• -5 to 5 EV exposure compensation.
• At least 5 image exposure bracketing for HDR.
• Light Peak connection support.
• Video features that’ll make Vincent Laforet, eternal peace and blessings be upon him, happy (check with him pls kthx).
• An anti-sensordust system that actually fucking works, so that Thomas Hawk can increase his productivity by a factor of at least 10 leaving him with more time to complain about Flickr.
• Price: $2700 (like the fucking D700).

You can now also download all the petition signatures as a PDF here: 5D Mark III Petition results. Makes for some interesting reading. I removed the names to protect the innocent. I want to thank all of you who had the balls to sign this petition, I couldn’t have done this without your support!!

Considering what you people listed that you’d do to Maeda if he failed to deliver this time, it’s no surprise that he delivered. Here are some of the things people would do to Maeda if the 5D3 sucked:

• Flood his mail with kitty porn
• Go Kamikaze on his ass…
• kick him in the balls
• Watch “The Notebook” for 24 straight hours
• Something with a thumbscrew.
• Beat him with a 5DII
• Sepeku
• Send Chuck Norris to teach him a lesson!
• Touch my lenses to my penis one last time then mail him a bill for any loss in my switch to Nikon.
• Grow bamboo through his happy sack
• high kick to chest
• bollocks to him. feed his balls to the cows.
• Stand him on a bacon slicer and switch it on. Take a slice every five minutes.
• Punch him in the face while filming it with a sony 3D camera
• Ask for the unconditional hiring of Philip Bloom, Stu and Tram Hudson as advisors with power!
• Stick it where the sun don’t shine
• Feed him to the lions!!!
• burn his factory
• Go crazy on his ass with a baseball bat
• Make my wife give him a blowjob. Trust me, he should be scared, and not in a good way.
• We will give him a bukake
• I’ll grab a 5D mkII with 580EX II and smashing it against his head!
• Send another Tsunami
• To begin I’ll break his legs, then put in his ass the new Nikon 70-200 without lube of course
• EAT HIS TESTICALS WHILE ATTACHED

No wonder Maeda delivered. And apart from the petition, my phone call to Maeda also seemed to have played an important role in convincing him to put some really advanced features in the 5D3.

We didn’t get the swivel screen, but it will be coming in the future. Japan just needs to sort out some issues with durability. And obviously the price is higher, but that seems to be the case these days with both Canon and Nikon. I’ve been told that this is due to the earthquake from last year and the economy right now in Japan.

Please don’t expect to hear from me for a few hours as I join the rest of my colleagues here at Canon USA and PAAARTAYY like a wild ANIMALL!!!!!

IT’S GAME ON FOR EOS!!!!!!!!

Photography in the Police State

Get a brain! morans

And now a small break from the regular Nikon D800 bashings to bring some important matters to your attention. The Lord of the Speedlights did a blog a few days ago on the TSA and how photographers now have to be extra careful not to be taken for Al Qaeda operatives in public. Apparently they’re now encouraging the public to report anyone with a camera that’s taking photos of objects in public. The Lord of the Speedlights posted about this here:

BTS photo of Al Qaeda on a commercial shoot

Are you a photographer in the US? Congratulations. In the eyes of some of your more dimwitted fellow citizens, you are now potentially a member of al Qaida.

Thanks to ridiculous government posters like the one above, people are now conditioned to be suspicious of photographers. And photographers using flashes on location are all the more noticeable to people who are predisposed to phone in anything out of the ordinary, just in case.

Don’t think so? True story: I actually had an interaction with the police for photographing … a maple tree.

You should visit the blog for the full story.

David Muhamed Saleem al Hobby, was questioned by the police while photographing a tree in public

But this fucking pisses me off. Because just like he said, any fucking moron on the street can now report you for absolutely nothing at all and ruin your whole goddamn day. I’ve actually had such an experience myself not too long ago. I got my pre-production 1DX a few weeks ago and was busy testing it in my office here at Canon USA, going over the new features and trying them out, when all of a sudden I saw two cops standing in the doorway. So I’m like what the fuck? I let them in and next thing you know they start questioning me about what I was doing standing here in my office taking photos of random objects for no apparent reason. Turns out someone in the building walked by my office, saw me taking photos and dialed 911 to report me. I just fucking couldn’t believe what was happening. I mean, do I fucking look like Al Qaeda to you? I’ll tell you what though, if this happens to me again, I’m going to fucking become Al Qaeda!!

And what’s with terrorists becoming photographers now? As if the photography market wasn’t already saturated with amateurs, now even the fucking terrorists want a piece of the pie. Don’t be surprised when you start losing more and more jobs to Al Qaeda. First they’ll start with the simple shoots like couples, models and weddings, and soon even the commercial market is going to suffer. It’s economic terrorism if you ask me. They’re taking all of our jobs. I understand why the TSA wants to fight this, but this is no reason to start harassing everyone with a camera in public, for fuck’s sake. We still have our first amendment, don’t we? Never mind, don’t answer that.

I didn’t want to say anything for fear of the TSA putting me on their goddamn “increased scrutiny list”. But seeing as how others are suffering the consequences too right now, I have to speak up. If we all keep quiet about this, this situation is only going to get a lot worse for all of us.

This country is going down the drain. We’re so fucked right now. The American dream went down the fucking toilet long ago. We’re losing more of our civil liberties every day.

You should all watch the above documentary and get informed on what exactly is going on. We need to put a stop to this, or else we’re fucking going to end up like the Roman Empire. In the coming elections, vote Ron Paul if you know what’s good for you.

As many of you undoubtedly know, I’ve already done a post about Ron Paul before. Check it out for more details. I fear that we may not get another chance to vote Ron Paul. Do whatever you have to do to actively promote and support him now.

P.S. This is post #100 on the blog. Congratulations.

The End of Tech Tips: A sign of the times?

I think most of you know by now that I’ve had a monthly Tech Tips column over at the Digital Journalist website for quite a while now. It seems that this is about to come to an end this year, as Canon has decided to end their financial support to the Digital Journalist. Dirck Halstead had the following to say:

I am afraid that the December issue of The Digital Journalist may be our final issue, at least for a while.

—-

Unfortunately, our principal sponsor, Canon, whose market has also been impacted by these turbulent times, has decided they can no longer afford to provide their financial backing to The Digital Journalist. We are very grateful for the generous support they have given us over the years.

Let me first say that Dirck is a great guy and over the years of working together we’ve become good friends. But what he said there in his letter is bullshit in its purest form. Now I don’t know if Dirck himself doesn’t know what’s going on, and if he really believes the spin from our PR and marketing departments, or if he’s just trying not to piss Canon Inc. off, but it looks like I’m gonna have to have a long chat with him soon.

One thing is true, and that is that we are having some very turbulent times here at Canon. I mean, this is so fucking clear by now especially if you’ve been reading my blog. But it certainly is not because of the economy, as apparently our PR department would like you to believe. Oh no, our market has been impacted BY THE CRAP THAT WE’VE BEEN RELEASING FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS. THAT’S WHAT’S GOING ON! That’s what is causing everyone to switch to Nikon!

Tell me, if  the market is in turbulent times why is Nikon giving away $100,000? Does Nikon have a different economy? Does their market exist in a different economy? Perhaps in an alternate reality? And how about Sony?

No no NO, it’s very clear what’s going on. The graph below says it all.

Maeda: "Competitions set our ass up the cocks!"

I don’t care how the fuck they want to spin this, but the fact is that these turbulent times are our own fault. I have been warning everyone about this ever since I started this blog:

If there really is so much trouble because of the economic crisis, how the fuck is Nikon growing their sales by 333%???

I’m just glad Uchida and Maeda are not in my office right now because I swear to God I would have kicked both their asses and end up in jail. It’s at times like these when I thank God that I don’t own or have access to any kind of heavy firearms. Where is it going to fucking end?? When are enough people inside the company going to wake up so we can kick this gang of morons out of upper management? Are we going to wait for Nikon to drive us into the ground first?? I’ve been busting my ass off year after year for this company, and it just hurts to see all my hard work being wasted by these retards.

I keep saying it, this gang of fucking arrogant morons in upper management are going to drive this company into the ground. Let’s keep ignoring what our customers are asking for, let’s continue the megapixel race, let’s allow quality control to further degrade and continue the fuck-ups and let’s continue to make fucking retarded decisions. Then, we’re going to sell even more products! AND BUSINESS WILL BE GREAT! YEEEEHAAAWW!! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!

There was a time when Canon was the undisputed king of image quality. Now we’re releasing DSLRs that offer worse image quality, not only compared to older Canon models, but even compared to the latest Nikon models! Do you know how much you have to fuck things up to offer worse image quality compared to Nikon???

I hope the fact that Canon Inc. are now feeling it inside their pockets will make some kind of difference. Hell, let me be honest with you, I have little hope. Fuck… I’m so sorry…

My eyes are filling up with tears right now… sorry to get all emotional on you guys here, really.. it’s…  I can’t help it.. I’m going to miss doing Tech Tips at the Digital Journalist. Sorry Dirck… *sob* .. I have to go now.

One Year of Fake Chuck Westfall

"Shit are happen." - Masaya Maeda, Director and Chief Executive of Image Communication Products Operations, Canon Inc.

Today it is exactly one year since I first started this blog. But it feels like it was yesterday. I remember growing more and more frustrated, shit was happening at Canon, everyone was afraid to speak up, but something had to be done. Recently published statistics show what we’ve known all along. We saw it happening. We felt it happening.

November 2008 - Canon Inc. President Tsuneji Uchida looks through the viewfinder of a 5D Mark II trying to take a picture of falling Canon market share numbers. I hope he had it configured in AI-Servo mode. I bet the pre-historic 9 point AF system really wasn't enough either.

While celebrating past successes and enjoying the position of market leader, Canon Inc. became arrogant and mediocrity made its way into our products and services. We were heading towards the fires of Doom at great speed. Canon employees, partners and photographers all saw this, but most feared taking action. But as if luck would have it, and certainly not by chance, a blog was forged in those same fires of Doom. The One Blog to help them all while a common cause bind them. Canon Inc. tried to destroy the One Blog, but failed miserably.

And so here we are today, together, celebrating the first anniversary of the One Blog.

It was interesting doing the blog so far, it has been very therapeutic (I’m sure you can imagine) and I’ve had fun doing it. I’m very thankful for the support all of you have given to the blog. We share a common goal, and while there was some doubt about that in the past, I’m sure it’s clear to everyone now what that goal is. And if not, you’re probably upper management.

There are now a total of 59 posts on the blog, with a total of 990 comments. Not that much, but my goal has always been quality instead of quantity. That, and considering that a typical post can take up to 5 hours to write, and me having a busy schedule, you can start to understand why I don’t post very often.

If you’re wondering about who I really am, I have compiled a small list of options that people have come up with during the last year:

• Nikon’s marketing department
• Real Chuck Westfall
• Vincent Laforet
• A disgruntled Canon user
• A crazy Nikon user
• Barack Obama

If you have more options, feel free to post them in the comments.

I went through all the comments that have been posted so far, and I want to mention a few of them here. I think the most beautiful comment I got so far in support of the blog, has got to be the following:

Thank you Fake Chuck from Cleveland Ohio! You crack up my whole family! Every day I read your blog after my Bible time with The Lord, I thank him putting funny people like you to get me off!

Oh, and you were so great when you blogged about the coming of the D3x! I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind of you barricading yourself in your office, even while having sexual intercourse with my husband! Right in the middle when I was on the bottom position, taking it fully inside of my vagina, I busted out a laughter, imaging my bald pear-shaped middle aged balding husband in the same situation, but got him so angry that he pulled out and finished his part by playing with himself!

I can’t help it FakeChuck, even when you don’t blog, I come back here every day to re-read your wonderfully expressive notes, that stay with people, even while they are in the middle of an orgasm!

Don’t ever stop what you do best!

Mary J

Ever since reading this comment, I can’t forget it, keep thinking about it regularly and it never fails to bring a smile on my face.

Here are some more:

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/02/16/to-canon-and-loeb-loeb-thanks-for-the-traffic/#comment-668

Dear Canon,

thank you very much for this new communication channel with your clients. However, thinking about twice to get a new Canon 5D MkII perhaps it will be better to switch to the (better sealed Sony A900 and getting a pair of good wide angle Zeiss lenses (with better quality). In the meantime I will use my old 5D until it will loose it’s mirror.

And thank you Canon about the whole buzz of this website, otherwise I wouldn’t have found fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com !!!

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/02/16/to-canon-and-loeb-loeb-thanks-for-the-traffic/#comment-664

I am under the impression that this is, in fact, Chuck Westfall’s blog. Chuck, I’ve have to hand it to you. Risking your job during a recession is not for the weak, and yet you make it seem effortless.

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/02/14/shut-down-notice-from-canon/#comment-645

This is such a great thoughtful site. Canon really needs to fix their cameras and start helping their customers much better. They lost me this year.

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/02/14/shut-down-notice-from-canon/#comment-630

Fake Chuck, you just gathered a few more readers after this debacle. Continue this blog, satire has a way of pushing companies to admit their mistakes and face up to their bad practices. We support you!

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/02/14/shut-down-notice-from-canon/#comment-575

Fake Chuck. Good to see the good folks at Automattic standing behind you on this one. You ought to see someone about those masochistic tendencies of yours man. Either that or the next time you try to shut down your own blog hire some more competent lawyers.

Sheesh. What’s the world coming to when you can’t even get your own blog shut down.

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/02/14/shut-down-notice-from-canon/#comment-567

Fake Chuck,
Your blog is an amusing part of my day, and your satire is spot on. Canon should focus on their product, not your blog. Although I was ready to pull the trigger on a 5dmkii, I believe I will wait for Nikon’s product response to it before purchasing my next camera.
Cheers, and thanks for the good times.

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/01/13/canon-inc-sales-disappointing/#comment-540

Hi Fake Chuck

Thanks for doing this fantastic blog. This is still the most accurate and reliable fake information about Canon SLRs on the web. Don’t let the Canon fanboys put you off – keep up the pressure. It is important that Canon’s shareholders see what is going on. Maybe they will fire Maeda and put you in charge. One can only hope…

Barnett

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/01/13/canon-inc-sales-disappointing/#comment-517

Fake Chuck Westfall you are my hero! I tip my hat and say thank you for binging humor to the very sad pile of Canon glass in my studio that could really use a camera body that works… You are brilliant and hope that Canon reads you.

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2008/09/21/tech-tips-for-september-22-2008/#comment-155

I laugh till cry…almost got fire  :) you’re
Something else…kudos!!!!
Harry

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/04/24/banding-and-pattern-noise-eos-5d-mark-ii-and-eos-50d/#comment-915

Chuck, I am really, really sorry about my comments making you lose 3 days. But you have to understand that we photographers too are very frustrated. Right now there is not a single Canon camera I can buy that does not have focus issues – never mind the 5DMkII that you deliberately crippled.

Just to give you an example. Last week I did some photographs for a large car rental company. I used my 5D and 85mm f/1.2L. After the shoot the customer chose the photo they want. And you guessed it, when I opened it on my PC, it was out of focus. I emailed the client, showing them another photo, and asking if they did not rather want that one, because it is err… so much nicer. They were not falling for that, so I had to admit that the picture they chose was also a bit, err… motion blurred. Well, they were not impressed, just told me that there is no time to re-shoot and they have to have that one and they are printing it 3m wide and putting it up in their new conference room where people will walk right up to it and look at it closely.

So you see Chuck, I am losing customers just as fast as you are. And this week my worst nightmare came true – I found out that my direct competitor just bought a Nikon D700. Do you have any idea how fucked I am now? Sorry, I have to go, I am suddenly not feeling very well…

http://fakechuckwestfall.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/eos-1d-mark-iii-autofocus-fix-for-real-this-time-seriously/#comment-811

LOOOL… you’re the man!

What a blast i have been having with this blog, you are kind of a hero around here.

NOW… what about the shutter button faillure on 20D/30/40D/50D…and people now talk about 40D pre-shutter failure too… :\ (If you have already mention the things above…just ignore)

Seriously we need this kind of blog, and you are excellent at doing it. I love your sarcastic humor!

Regards

There are many more, but of course I can’t post all of them here.

As part of my social networking efforts this past year I’ve also gotten on Twitter. Still haven’t gotten enough followers to come close to John Harrington, but I’m working on it. I’m also looking at expanding my social networking presence in the future. Canon Inc. doesn’t appear to understand, or want to understand, social networking/media, so we’ll just have to understand it for them. Let’s hope 9% loss of market share has at least taught them something.

I’m looking forward to another year doing the One Blog, and let’s hope things will get much better for us in the future. I’ve got “sashagrey1.mpg” cued up right now, got the hand lotion and tissue ready, so I’m signing off for now.

EF 50mm f/1.2helL USM

The Canon EF 50mm f/1.2helL USM Lens

If you look at the image above and get a spontaneous erection, then trust me when I say that you are not alone.

*adjusts pants*

She’s a beauty isn’t she? Just holding this lens in your hands, you feel the weight, the build quality, the feeling you have comes pretty close to an orgasm. And the images you can capture using this lens are incredible. But looks can be deceiving. And in this case, it’s kinda like how it is with women. It’s like you meet this beautiful woman somewhere and you get all crazy about her and try hard to make her yours. And after a while you succeed, and you start ..err.. enjoying … her, but slowly but surely you start to notice that though everything looked great on the outside, the behaviour is not exactly what you were hoping for. This is when you get introduced to the term Total Cost of Ownership, or TCO in short. You start to see the cost (not just financially, but most certainly also financially) of “owning” such a woman. And then, as time goes by, you start to notice that you get less and less Return on your Investment, ROI in short, from your woman. For example, to get the same amount of sex you were having when you first met her, you have to do double and even tripple the amount of work now that you were doing back then, and this is assuming you’re still able to get sex from her at all at this point. Because the amount of work you’ll have to do will only increase until at some point you’re just not up to it anymore. And then you just stop having sex. At least at home.

*pauses and thinks while staring ahead at nothing*

Anyway… where was I? Oh yeah,

In the case of this lens, many rushed to buy this shiny and beautiful looking lens that promised great images when it was released at the end of 2006, only to find out later that they spent $1600 and were essentially fucked, because the lens had a backfocus issue which is related to the way it is designed. I’m not going to go into too much detail here, but I’ll just refer you to this website where there’s a nice compilation of information on the issue. Not only does the lens backfocus often, it also doesn’t focus consistently when using autofocus. You can focus on the exact same object a few times, without the camera and object moving, and you’ll get a different focusplane each time, especially noticeable at f/1.2.

Many people started complaining and emailing me about the issues they were having with this lens almost from the moment it became available, and I ofcourse started talking to Japan immediately about it, while telling everyone else that Canon would be releasing more information on the issues in the near future. Two of my emails can be found here:

“Technical discussions about the EF50mm f/1.2L USM are continuing to occur between Canon USA and Canon Inc.. The matter is not resolved yet, but it is most certainly not being ignored. Unfortunately, I can’t say much more about it until there is an official conclusion.”

“Canon Inc. is definitely aware of the claims concerning the AF accuracy of the EF50/1.2L USM. They’ve been investigating for the past couple of months, and I am told that there will be some kind of public announcement forthcoming in the near future. Stay tuned, and thanks for using Canon equipment!” – email from Chuck Westfall 5/24/2007

We had a conference call last week with Japan and in between all the asskissing and cocksucking we brought up this issue again, and the bastards are still not ready to give us the green light to send out the fuckup notices for this problem. Meanwhile I’m sitting here while people are constantly asking me when I’ll finally be able to tell them more, and the only thing I’m able to tell them is to stay tuned and thank them for using Canon equipment.

It’s been over two goddamn years now.

But despite the issues, I like using this lens when I’m taking pictures of my daughter because of the results I know I can get, but sadly only if I am lucky and the lens actually happened to focus where I wanted. I had to force myself to try and live with the issues. It’s like Chris Rock said:

“When you love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker.

You can’t just love the white part of the bread.

You gotta love the crust, the crumbs, the tiny crumbs at the bottom of the toaster.

That’s what the real motherfucker is.”

Yeah, that’s what the real motherfucker is, a back/inconsistent focusing 50mm lens that is capable of producing great images when it works.

Fortunately I also have my 85mm f/1.2L which is outstanding, and when I’m shooting my mother in law (with a camera, sadly), I only use the 135mm f/2L, which is razor-sharp even at f2 and captures even the tiniest of all the wrinkles on her face just to show her how fucked up she really looks. I swear to God, sometimes it’s almost like the lens ads wrinkles to her face on the fly while making existing ones look like small Grand Canyons. When she really pisses me off, I stop down to f11 for even greater effect and apply the unsharp mask filter in Photoshop several times as well. It’s all automated in my Mother in Law action set.

Ok enough of that.

It looks like Galbraith received another paycheck from Nikon because he has updated his article about the poor 1D Mark III AF performance with his findings based on the latest fixes issued by Canon Inc. The outcome was predictable. But here’s the thing, notice how Galbraith is decorating his whole article about the bad AF performance of the 1D Mark III with beautiful pictures that ARE in focus AND taken with… wait for it… a 1D Mark III.

There’s a strange concept you don’t see everyday: Tell people a camera can’t focus well by putting pictures in the article that are actually in focus and taken by the same camera.

Fucken A.

I think Nikon might have to reconsider their relationship with Galbraith after reading this.

Here’s the thing, Rob, I know you like the image quality the 1D Mark III gives you, so stop complaining, for fuck’s sake, and live with the AF shortcomings for now. Ya gotta love the crust of the motherfucker dude. Ya can’t just love the white part of the bread. Learn to live with it. And besides, at this point I think we both know there’s nothing Canon Inc. can possibly do anymore to fix it. We’ll just have to wait for the 1D Mark IV and hope AF performance will be much better.

And I say we have to HOPE the 1D Mark IV will be better, because the way employees are being treated right now at Canon in Japan is quite terrible. Read this article and see for yourself, here’s a quote:

Can you imagine working in a place where the boss got rid of all the chairs and put in alarms which go off when you don’t walk fast enough?
Well some of the folks who work at Canon don’t need to imagine – its a reality for them.

 No wonder most of our products released in the last 3 years suck so much.

Employees at Canon Electronics

 That shit is just fucked up. And what’s with the striped shirts? They almost look like prisoners. Working in such an environment, you can begin to understand why these people produce a 50mm f/1.2 lens that can’t focus well, a 1D Mark III that has focus issues, a 5D where the mirror falls off, a 5D Mark II with an old AF system that rarely works and with a sensor that has various issues too, a 50D with noise and banding etc. Now I also understand why Kyokoshiro isn’t hooking up all dos vires on de assembly line.

Fortunately things are a lot better here at Canon USA.

Anyway, I’m gonna go make me a nice cup of coffee now and relax for a bit.